Grief

I think the first time I ever felt real grief was the day Mekky died.

Honestly, I don’t even remember why I woke up at 10 a.m. holed up in my room, not really sure what I would do that day. So I did the first thing I always do: I picked up my phone and scrolled into WhatsApp, and I received the worst shock I could have ever experienced.

I started to see RIP posts, and in my mind, I thought, “What silly prank is this, Mekky can’t die”

But it went on, and on, and suddenly I couldn’t breathe, couldn't think, couldn’t move, all I could do was cry. If cries could bring back the dead, I could probably have brought him back with the amount of tears that fell.

I felt like the worst human on earth, because how could I say he was my friend and brother and I didn’t even realize he was sick? Why didn’t I check on him? Why didn’t I slide into his DMs and pester him? These are questions I asked myself over and over again, but I could never find the answer.

As a young child, I used to think if I died, no one would really miss me and everyone would be so relieved to not have to take care of me anymore. I used to think it would be so easy for my mom to not have to worry or cry anymore when I was sick. I contemplated it so many times, until Mekky.

Until I felt what it was actually like to lose someone that was a part of your life and to attempt to pick up the pieces. And I thought, I can’t do that to them, I can’t let them go through the pain and immense sadness of losing someone and having to learn to live without their presence.

This grief was probably the beginning of my paranoia and anxiety, every day I wake up and think,

what if I lose someone today, can I handle it?

Have I made enough memories with them?

did I call them or check in on them as best as I could?

It got so bad that I would walk into my brother’s room to check on him just to be sure he was still breathing and alive and would call him 2 times in a day sometimes just to be sure he was okay and would continue to be. I would get so paranoid when I would call my mom or sister and they wouldn't,t pick up the phone, and then I’d spiral and spiral with horrible scenarios In my head till they called me back.

It does get better, I think, life sort of helps you understand that you are strong, and the best and easiest thing to do is to make the most memories you can and try your best to be the best person you can be to them.

So that’s my goal, to love the people in my life with all my heart, to make the most of life with people I love, and to be the best version of myself, not ruled by paranoia, anxiety, and grief, but to make every moment count knowing that life is fickle, and anyone can leave at any time,

So here’s to hoping that it all works out I guess.